Whiteclaw - Shadowclan Warrior

[Rice]

Name: Whiteclaw
Gender: She-Cat
Age: 33 moons
Clan: Shadow Clan
Rank: Warrior
Apprentice: No Apprentice
Love Interest: None... Yet
Kin: Lilytail -mother(NPC)
Eagleheart - Father(NPC)
Scarletpool - Sister(WiP)

Description:

Though she has a rather dainty looking physical appearance the she-cat often surprises other cat's. Her limbs are average sized with a normal build for most female cats her age. The majority of the she-cat's body is a white while her tail is brown but this is not the only part of her white coat that has some color. Behind her ears lay two triangular shaped splotches.The tips of the triangle shaped markings curve inwards towards the spine while another corner loops behind her ears. Her nose is a light maroon-pink with black tints near the edges. Due to her white face her hazel eyes are emphasized often showing when she's in a rotten mood or not.

Personality:

The she-cat may not look the part but she is incredibly lazy with a hot head. But these two negative characteristics are evened out; when she is not feeling lazy or sleeping, her work is quick, efficient, and she usually doesn't have any complaints. When she is alone you can most likely find her in a secluded part of the clan-lands, singing to herself, but don't expect to have her sing to another cat. She is shy when it comes to sharing her voice with another cat, chances are she'll hiss and run away before another word, or note, can be uttered. Once your break though her well guarded barrier she is a pleasant cat to have around- so long as you didn't make enemies.

History:

The she-cat had a normal kit hood growing up in her mothers clan, Shadow Clan, with her sister Scarletpool. Her mother, Lilytail was an gentle cat with a sweet nature. But get on her bad side and there was blood to pay. Their father, Eagleheart was a warrior from Wind Clan. Eagleheart was a protective tom who tried to help with the raising of his kits.

It was decided that the two kits would choose their own Clan when it was time for them to become apprentices. Until that day the two sisters would stay with their mother in Shadow Clan. Eagleheart came to visit as much as he possibly could he tried to play some role in their life.

Whitekit and Scarletkit were inseparable but had contradicting personalities. Scarletkit was under-spoken while Whitekit was out-spoken. Thought the sisters were like fire and water they developed the habit of finishing each others sentences.
The kits parents tried to spoil them, often praising them for things that didn't need praise, neither of the kits liked the unnecessary love and attention.Both refused to become spoiled, it was almost like their mother way trying to soften them up.

Whitekit and Scarlet kit both wanted to become great Warriors, often talking of the accomplishments that they wanted once they became warriors. The day that Whitekit and Scarletkit were to choose which clan they were going to learn at they argued.

"Wind Clan!" Scarletkits voice was stern, and thick-headed, a trait that both sisters developed.
"I like it here." Whitekit stated straight faced.
"But if we stay here then we would practically never really get to explore! Shadow clan is between River and Thunder Clan territories." Scarletkit groaned becoming unreasonable. So, what happened to the under-spoken kit that Whitekit knew and loved?

Getting up from her sitting position Whitekit refused to blow her top with her kin. It really wasn't worth. "Go where you must, I'm staying here to learn how to be a Shadow Clan cat."

Other: Hopefully the new history meets the 300 word requirement. My computers being a poo and won't open a new tab. Also, Sporelett, I think all the mistakes are fixed.

Whiteclaw's Quotes:
"The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the berries."
"Why did you wake me up, Dumbo?"

Roleplay Example:

She lay silently in the cusp of slumber. Hazel eyes shut while her body was curled into a tight white ball. Finding peace in sleep the she-cat did this a lot, often dreaming up vex dreams about petite memories or grooming herself. The area in which she was sleeping was a cat-free area of the Shodowclan residence. Only birds, frogs and snakes really came to her quiet spot.

Her peaceful sleep was shattered as a snake slithered by her tail coming much too close for comfort. The she-cat's eyes snapped open, her pupils shrunk as light somehow made it though the thick forest trees and onto her head. Her mind was disoriented, like she was on on that weird smelling plant that was called "Cat nip". Her body was still stiff from laying in the same position all day, her mussels cried out to her begging for a quick stretch.

Obeying her bodies commands the she-cat lifted her body from the soft grasses of the marsh and stretched her body sighing contently when she wasn't tight any longer nor stiff.

"It is about time that I bring back some mice or frogs I suppose." She said to herself, lowering her front half to the ground while her hid area still stayed up wards to the tree tops.

Silently she slunk the the wet brush, her pink colored pads moist from the dew that sat on blades of grass. Lifting her head the female sniffed the air as wind blew though the lands. Then she smelt it. The smell of mouse, lucky her it was nearby her. Whiteclaw lowered herself to the ground ignoring the wet cold on her stomach. She crept for wards, eyes trained on the mouse. The mouse scampered around, it small gray body the only thing the White she-ca twas focused on.

Letting her legs send her soaring though the air Whiteclaws body landed on the mouse in a fraction of a second, quickly she pinned it with a paw, grabbed it by the neck. It squirmed in her jaws trying to get free. Quickly the female snapped it's neck then thanked the mouse and Starclan for it's life.

Finally she lifted the mouses body up from the ground and carried it back to the camp.

[Sporelett]

Sorry for taking a few days to get on this, Rice. c: I have a few things I'd like to say about your bio, but overall it looks very nice. However, I have to request that the cat's name be changed, because ivory isn't really a substance that warriors would ever come across or know about. If you just meant as a colour, then "white" would work fine, because cats don't exactly have access to thesauruses. Also, she's pretty obviously a white and brown tabby, so I'm a bit confused as to why the word "calico" pops up in her description.

Now, there are a few spelling and grammatical errors scattered around her bio. In her description, you write "cat's" when it should just be cats. In her personality, you wrote "he" instead of her. In her history, you spelled eagle "egale," lily as "lilly," rogue as "rouge," and knack as "nack." Also, you don't need to put "the" before WindClan or ShadowClan. They're proper nouns, like a person's name. I'm going to point out a few sentences that sound odd to me, and suggest how you can fix them.

Egaleheart was a protective tom with the hopes of having his kits grow up in the Windclan because of this argument between the father and mother the kits were taken to neutral ground to be raised until six moons, not bearing the name Rouge, or any other.

This is one big run-on sentence. I would ask you to split it into two, but actually you need to change the last part anyway. There's no reason that ShadowClan should allow their queen and her kits to leave for six months; if Lilytail decided to leave, she would be banished for good.

Growing up near the two-legs Ivorykit and Scarletkit had always had two clan to choose from.

Remember to pluralize "Clan" when referring to two of them. Also consider changing her history so that the kits stay in their mother's Clan until they are split up, because that would be more believable.

The two kits were the pride and joy of their parents often getting unnecessary prise and pampers.

Unless one parent left his or her own Clan to join the others, the kits would only ever see one of them at a time. Also, I believe by "prise" you mean praise, and "pampers" isn't a noun; it's a verb. Try using a different word.

Neither of the kits like that.

I'm not totally sure what you mean by this. If you're referring to the previous sentence, you need to change this one to past tense.

I'm not going to be specific about your roleplay example, because that needs to be yours completely, but I would advise that you go over it and change a few things. There are a few words that don't really make sense, so if you're unsure about their use you should probably just go with something more simple.

[Sporelett]

Very much improved, Rice! Thank you for the effort.