Mudpaw: CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP

[mystic]

(I'm no longer playing mudpaw. Grim wishes to adopt him.)
(I feel that I should have two cats in each clan for my RP purposes)
(thank you)

[Cai]

Some things to fix:

• Age: If he is six moons old, then I presume you want him to become an apprentice shortly. Therefore, he ought to have an apprentice-length bio, since he is technically of apprentice age. This means his description, personality and history are all too short.
  
  
• History: I don't want a rabble of orphaned or otherwise parent-less kits running around. Why have you not mentioned who has become responsible for his care? Why skip over his entire history? You've virtually told me about just one day of his life; where is the rest of it? Clearly he has not had a 'normal' kithood since you want him to be born kittypet, and should therefore have a much more extensive history, detailing ages, who cared for him and any other events.
  
  
• History II: That timeline states that the kit was loitering in the Clan for three moons. In reality, there wouldn't be a random, nameless kit wandering around ThunderClan for three moons until they finally decide he'd better join them; the Clan would decide his fate much sooner rather than allow a kittypet to drain their resources for moons.
  
  
• Errors: There are misspellings and peculiar wording choices throughout, such as "perimantly" and "cocenquences", which need fixing.
  
  
• Sentence Structure: Read that history again, please. There's a cluster of very stunted sentences which aren't terribly well written and should be revised.
  
  

  Aug 17, 2010 11:20:52 GMT -5 mystic said:

  
  So he climbed onto them and fell asleep. The family didn't notice he was there. And by when they got to set up their picnic. He decided to go exploring. By the time he got back, his family was gone. They had left poor Trick behind in the woods.
  

  
  

Re-read, rethink and rework these issues, please, and I'll come back and look again.

[Cai]

OK. Looks better. Accepted.