Splaskit of Riverclan -Adopted

[mystic]

Name: Splash

Age: 4 moons

Kin:

Mother: Specklefrost (40 Moons) (Mystic)

Father: Stormheart (38 Moons) (NPC)
Brothers
Finchnose (12 moons) Mystic)
Clamfang (12 moons) (NPC)
Puddlekit (4 Moons) (UFA)

Sisters:
Minnowstream (12 moons) (NPC)
Smudgewhisker (12 moons) (NPC)
Rainkit (4 Moons) (ambie)

Description

Small white tom with grey spots

Personality

Dimwitted but very sweet, often taken advantage of because of this

History

He was born 4 moons ago, the rest is up to the adopter

[Cai]

Why is this marked as adopted? I see no bios.

[mystic]

She put it elsewhere >_<

[leafy]

Name: Splashkit

Gender: Tom

Age: 4 Moons

Clan: RiverClan

Rank: Kit

Kin:

Mother - Specklestorm (40 Moons) (Mystic)
Father - Stormheart (38 Moons) (NPC)

Brothers:

• Finchnose (12 moons) (Mystic)
  
• Clamfang (12 moons) (NPC)
  
• Puddlekit (4 Moons) (UFA)
  

Sisters:

• Minnowstream (12 moons) (NPC)
  
• Smudgewhisker (12 moons) (NPC)
  
• Rainkit (4 Moons) (Ambie)
  

Description: Splashkit is a rather good-looking white tom with dark grey patches on his pelt. The best feature about him are his eyes. They are a stunning pale green color with a hint of blue mixed into him. Splashkit is also slightly small build than most cats his age. Oddly enough though, even for a kit, his pelt very silky and soft.

Personality: Splashkit has a sensitive heart. He has always really good-natured, but not very smart. He always seems to be dosing off randomly and is kinda ditsy. He don't talk much often whimpers or mumbles to himself, but when he does he speaks only with kindness. He often gets taken advantage of because of this. Out of his whole family, Splashkit is misunderstood and mistreated the most and is picked on by his older brother, Puddlekit. He is kinda close to Rainkit, but its not that good a relationship. Besides his minor setback, he always tries his very best at the tasks given to him.

History: Splashkit was born to a half RiverClan she-cat names Specklestorm and Loyal RiverClan tom name Stormheart roughly 4 moons ago. He has 4 older siblings from his previous litter, who generally stay away from him. He is the youngest of his litter. One of the kits was a stillborn and the other died only a few moments after birth. His other two litter mates are Puddlekit, who enjoys picking on him and Rainkit, she was the runt. Life in the Nursery has been kinda tough for Splashkit, because he isn't like normal kits. Splashkit loves many types of flowers that grow in RiverClan camp. He think flower are one of the best things in the world.

Other: I adopted him from Mystic. ^^

Roleplay Example:

A bright light fluttered into the nursery indicating that dawn was here, Splashkit's light green eyes slowly began to open. He yawned and rolled over onto his back bumping into Rainkit. "Sorry." He told Rainkit quietly then he squeaked happily to himself. He looked over at Specklestorm and purred. "I wanna go outside." He mumbled to his pretty mother. Out of all his family, Splashkit believed she loved him the most.

Without waiting for her answer, Splashkit squeezed out o the nursery. "Now its time to find my flowers." He purred as he raced across the camp cleaning to a flower bed of Lillie's. His eyes grew round with excitement when he saw how fast they had grown since last moon. Lillie's were one of his favorite flowers in RiverClan. He favorite thing about them was how wonderfully they smelled. "I will always love my Lily flowers."

[/size]

[Cai]

*Blinkblink*

Actually, it was meant to go in the original thread. Namely the one Mystic made. So I shall move it for you and urge you to peruse the adoption guidelines. ^.^

[mystic]

Mystic would like longer things for Splashkit please
It's not that hard, buy you're on the right track

Also... the RP sample doesn't need to have z replacing s.... it's weird

[mystic]

It's too jerky, and sudden. You could add more words, and your descrition is confusing.
why don't you start with describing his head (use one paragraph) then is body, then how me moves, finally describe his pelt.
Use one paragraph each section. It's not that hard.

And as I stated before, get rid of the lolspeak. It doesn't make him sound slow. It just makes him sound like an lolcat.

Also, the history is stunted and just generally short.

Splashkit was the last born the reason being was that when he was born he didn't get enough oxygen due to the fact that his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and left him with brain damage which it made him mentally slow.

just plain out confuses me. He was born last because he was born last.

In general it looks like you copy and pasted what I said and haven't put your own touch on him. He just doesn't feel like your cat. Take him, make him yours. Really get into the vibe and put your heart into it. The bio is FAR to wooden.

[Cai]

Just a little intervention... Mystic, there's a general feeling that you are being too harsh on this bio and have misunderstood the rules on adoption. When the guidelines said the creator could comment on the bio of a cat they put up for adoption, they didn't actually mean an all-out dissection of it. It's an admin duty to critique bios, not yours, so you don't have to worry about doing that for adoption bios. I think the guidelines were not clear enough on this (and I will amend them promptly), but they actually meant that the creator should just give a comment on whether or not the roleplay sample is written the way they wanted it to be.

Leafy, it's not actually as bad as all of the above is saying, so don't lose heart. The writing isn't bad, and since it meets the site requirements for a kit bio length, there are no grounds for complaint on its length. I agree that it's a little choppy and could possibly be smoothed out a bit, but the critique has been too harsh. The only things you have to pay attention to if Mystic comments on them are criticisms on the RP sample.

That's all, folks.

[mystic]

Thanks for fixing it
Mystic luffs it
*pat**pat*
APPROVED!

[leafy]

Thanks. ^^

[mystic]

Now you need to post him in CC